Identity Crisis (2 min read)

I was 28 when I realized I was having an identity crisis, with four kids around. I thought it was too late. Although during teenage life I had periods of wondering who I am uncertain if I answered that question. I realized the crisis of knowing who we are is not confined only to a particular stage but on various points throughout life.

When I was young, I used to believe I don’t measure up. My sister next to me was always far more beautiful than I am. I inherently believe that I could not measure up to her likability. Probably I was already sending the message that nobody will like me that time. It was the belief I created for myself after being sexually molested. It was also the message I received from people around us when we were always being compared.

I grow up believing I am not worthy, I am not deserving of anybody’s love and I am dirty. This kind of self-indoctrination is common among sexually abused children which I just found out later in life. My identity was shaped around by those painful experiences and interactions with the people around me.

And because they were lies, the crisis arises.  I pretended to be clean during high school, a mask that was more than a blessing because it saved me from promiscuity. I never had boyfriends in high school for the fear of being found out dirty. I am so afraid because I know guys will never like me once they found the real me. I went to college feeling the same until I met my husband.

His unconditional love challenge the way I believe about myself. For the first time, I felt accepted for who I really am; the flaws, the undeservingness, unworthiness, and the pretensions. I don’t know how he made it. But the challenges never end there. There are deep rooted definitions of myself that I validated in one way or the other.

The belief that I am a shame was affirmed on the constant choices and dealings with my finances. I almost destroy the family I keep because of the financial chaos I got myself into. I lost some good friendship and hurt the people I care the most because of this. I lost my credibility to many people and institution and find it too difficult to start after several financial setbacks.  Everything was a result of how I define myself from deep within.

The stubborn belief that I will never have the crisis if I don’t need it leads me to a deeper understanding of myself and the people around me. It made me realized that the definition I have was not true after all. The reality is that I am created good for a purpose and I am loved by my Maker, the same thing with the people around me. We are all inherently good and loved.

Everything that happened in my life in the past is not a waste after all because they will be used in my life’s greatest purpose to which my strongest identity will emerge. Therefore, to all those who are in crisis, I am throwing a big shout to choose a better definition of who you are, it can be done.

60 thoughts on “Identity Crisis (2 min read)”

  1. Thank you so much for sharing. It is scary how much I understand this article and can relate. I am 29 and as you can tell from my blog, I hit a bit of an identify crisis also. I love seeing people be so open about these very real issues so that others can learn and grow from other people’s experiences. Thank you for your insight!

    Liked by 4 people

  2. Thank you for sharing it makes me feel like I’m not alone in this. I have never been able to tell anyone so I blogged it to help get some of the suppressed emotions out I hope one day I can become a strong independent person again

    Liked by 3 people

      1. Thank you its a work in progress I have years of suppresses emotions to come to terms with. But it feels good to finally tell a little bit of my story even if it hasn’t been read I still feel better because I put it out there I’m slowly getting my voice back!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. It’s good thing. I am encouraging you to read more on the topics of sexual abuse, I have some articles also which might be of help to you. It is not an easy thing but I find so much hope connecting to the people who have gone through the same and somehow make it

        Like

  3. Loved this post. Could relate to it very well. Feeling worthless comes out of deep insecurities. One has to seriously work to get rid of this feeling. It takes time but it will definetly bring good results. Keep writing 👍

    Liked by 4 people

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